The Best (material) Things EVER
Warning: there's a lot of sentence fragments and run-ons on this page. Get off my back. It's stream-of-consciousness advocacy, man. Sometimes, human brains and hands manage to create things worth owning. You know Oprah's "My Favorite Things" show? That stuff is just fluff for rich folks. Here are favorite things for the common citizen.
#1: The godPod.

God Bless St. Jobs. When I went back and forth from college to home, the back seat of my car bore two wood crates of cassettes. When I shacked up for a summer with my future wife, I lugged two crates of CDs hundreds of miles to her apartment. I used to dream of gigantic wooden shelving and carousels that would hold 500 to 1200 CDs, and ganged CD changers adding up to maybe 1000 discs. Then came the iPod. The amazing, beautiful, simple, simple, simple iPod. Now, in the palm of my hand, I carry 16,369 songs. I call my 80 GB iPod "Borg". Because, like the Borg on Star Trek TNG, it assimilates all (music). All music worth owning, that is. For someone like me, who believes music is humankind's greatest achievement (and possibly the reason why we exist at all), the iPod is truly a godsend. I am so glad it was invented while I'm still young enough to hear.
#2: Screw You!

My beloved Makita. I also have a Milwaukee. Both are courtesy of my father, who has supplied me with an indispensable body of tools over the years. Point is, a cordless drill that doubles as a power screwdriver is just...just...awesome. Commonly called a screw-gun. Stick-em up.
#3: myPhone (need I say more)

I got an iPhone about 2 months ago. I wasn't expecting a miracle. I didn't drink the Kool-Aid, or wait in any lines, or camp out and all those goings-on. I bought it nonchalantly, mostly to be able to check my office email from away. The more I use it, the more I realize it's a life-changer. It's everything. Banking, stock trading, weather, TV, movies, books, magazines, newspapers, email, texting, music, web access, mapping, compass, level, flashlight, camera, video recorder, tape recorder, remote control, notebook, document scanner, shopping, Facebook, blogging, dictionary, encyclopedia, GPS, just, just, everything. Once they come out with a 1 terabyte version, Borg will merge into this and I'll really be in 7th Heaven.
P.S. It's the best way to surf the web, check Facebook and email while your gigantic Windows-based PC is frozen up or rebooting for the 10th time. Also good for Googling how to fix broken PCs.
P.S. It's the best way to surf the web, check Facebook and email while your gigantic Windows-based PC is frozen up or rebooting for the 10th time. Also good for Googling how to fix broken PCs.
#4: Cat Hair Avenger!

There is NO BETTER WEAPON against cat hair on furniture and carpeted stairs than the Eureka Quick-up Hand Vac. Friggin' unbelievable. It saves hours of strenuous arm motion with 10x the results. The key is a belt-driven powered brush. In addition, with a quick tug the hose comes free for sucking up weird stuff and there's a crevice tool in the rear that comes out for tight spots. And the cord is LOOOONNNNGGG! ADEQUATELY long. Unlike most cords in America. And the clear cup lets you see and retrieve all the sentimental trinkets you sucked up that your kids leave carelessly strewn about and only care about AFTER they've been vacuumed up. There is only one issue: the filter is reusable, and despite emptying the dust cup, inevitably it becomes clogged with the talcum-like dust of dead skin, lint, kleenex paper-dust, etc. The solution I have developed is to vacuum the vacuum. That is, I vacuum the filter with a Shop-Vac. About $38 at Amazon, it's the most undervalued product in history. It's so awesome, immediately after they saw it, my mother-in-law and mother both got one. In fact, my Mom ordered hers from my house before flying back home. I'm not saying it'll remove EVERY insidious cat hair from a couch, but it comes damned close. And I have not been paid to say this (unfortunately). Eureka, if you email me, I'll provide you the address to send the check to....
#5: Angel Duster.

There's a lot of gimmicky cheeseball products in this world. You will never catch me with Febreze or Scentsy or Glade-Plugins. I hate things that try to mask the smell of filth. Then you've just got filth with an olfactory veneer of chemicals. Try cleaning. Or finding the source of the stench. Anyway, Swiffer is NOT one of those. Though it looks like the traditional feather duster that just stirs up the dust off of surfaces into clouds in the air, affording a temporary respite until it settles once more after you've left the room, it is not. This thing swoops up and CAPTURES psycho amounts of dust. From mini-blinds, computers, keyboards, monitors, bookshelves, car instrument clusters, ceilings, ceiling fan blades, the guts of propane fireplaces, light fixtures, and just any place your vacuum (see Eureka Quick-up) can't quite reach. I don't know what kind of extra-dimensional, electr0-static voodoo this thing employs, but I'm sold. I want stock in the company.
#6: Get A Grip, Man.

The Original Vise-Grips. When the nail snaps off. When the screw is stripped. When the goddamned "thing" will not turn. When the hurly-burly is done. When the battle's lost and won. The ultimate problem-solver. Could probably fix the economy.
Don't buy cheap Chinese copies. Because after you clamp these on something, you have to be able to whang on it with a sledge-hammer.
Don't buy cheap Chinese copies. Because after you clamp these on something, you have to be able to whang on it with a sledge-hammer.
#7: "Did you hear that scratching sound in the ceiling?"

You can't build a better mouse-trap. Wood and copper and steel. Simple. Simple. Simple. And cheap.
Every Fall, when the air grows chill, and frost fringes the meadows, the mice move into attics across Maine. Doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor. New house or 1790's Cape. They find a way in. You lie in bed one cold night, and you hear it. In the ceiling and wall. Scritching and scuttling sounds. And you know they're up there chewing, pooping, peeing and breeding faster than rabbits.
So I get out the ladder, open the attic hatch, and bust out 7-12 traps. I load them with string cheese. (don't give me a bunch of wives' tails about peanut butter and other weirdo substitutes; just watch Tom & Jerry and load the traps with cheese; mice like cheese (so do I)) I lay a small board on the fiberglass insulation. I set all the traps on the board. I close the hatch. Within a week, the attic is silent for the rest of the winter. The next year, I repeat the process. I find the dessicated bodies of last year's victims. Usually about 7-10. The traps are so cheap, I just trash the traps and their contents and set fresh ones. The unsprung traps I pry the mummified cheese off of and reset them. Works like a charm.
Every Fall, when the air grows chill, and frost fringes the meadows, the mice move into attics across Maine. Doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor. New house or 1790's Cape. They find a way in. You lie in bed one cold night, and you hear it. In the ceiling and wall. Scritching and scuttling sounds. And you know they're up there chewing, pooping, peeing and breeding faster than rabbits.
So I get out the ladder, open the attic hatch, and bust out 7-12 traps. I load them with string cheese. (don't give me a bunch of wives' tails about peanut butter and other weirdo substitutes; just watch Tom & Jerry and load the traps with cheese; mice like cheese (so do I)) I lay a small board on the fiberglass insulation. I set all the traps on the board. I close the hatch. Within a week, the attic is silent for the rest of the winter. The next year, I repeat the process. I find the dessicated bodies of last year's victims. Usually about 7-10. The traps are so cheap, I just trash the traps and their contents and set fresh ones. The unsprung traps I pry the mummified cheese off of and reset them. Works like a charm.
#8: It. Just. Works.

The Fujitsu ScanSnap S1500. Friggin' awesome. You put in a stack of papers, of varying sizes, one- and two-sided, color and black & white. You push one button. You get a PDF file on your screen. Comes with a full version of Adobe Acrobat. $415 on a good day. Have a bunch at my office. Want one for my home.
#9: I'll Be Your Candle In The Water

Didn't have a cool product photo for this. Had to take my own with #3, above. This flashlight was given to me by my father when I was a child. It is made of metal and copper. I believe he said he got it when he was a boy, in the Boy Scouts. I have probably owned 50 or more flashlights over the years, of every shape and size. Eventually, they've all broken except this one. And I even used take this in the bathtub and submerge it when I was a kid. There's some look-alikes made today. But they're from the Orient (if you know what I mean) and have plastic parts and flimsier metal, and last till about the fifth stair before they leave you in the dark.
And this takes C batteries. Remember when C batteries were the rage? Now it's AA and AAA. Crazy flashlights this size will have three or four AAs instead of a couple of larger Cs. Why? I'm no chemist or whatever, but don't bigger batteries last longer?
But the larger question is, why can't America make a light like this anymore?
And this takes C batteries. Remember when C batteries were the rage? Now it's AA and AAA. Crazy flashlights this size will have three or four AAs instead of a couple of larger Cs. Why? I'm no chemist or whatever, but don't bigger batteries last longer?
But the larger question is, why can't America make a light like this anymore?
#10: Second Skin

Since moving to Maine, I've worn out dozens of pairs of these. Maine is a rough place. A little yard work in Maine usually involves pole saws and piles of limbs and brush six feet high. And fire. And wood piles. And snow. And thorns. But with all kinds of projects involving sharp steel, heat, screws, nails, hammers, crowbars, splinters, and other perils, these have saved me from harm again and again and again.
#11: Gotta protect all the great stuff above.... (and below)

I was raised in gun culture. However, while I continue to share my father's views on the Second Amendment philosophically, I never came to enjoy shooting or hunting as a pastime. Maybe waiting around for hours in hot desert sun in an ugly-looking place is what did it. Maybe it's because cleaning a gun is about as much fun as cleaning a muffin tin. (see my future page on the worst items invented by humanity) And as for hunting, the more "successful" you are, the more guts you have to deal with. Blecch.
Anyway, I can appreciate a thing that is perfectly designed. And this is it. The Colt .45 was designed in 1911. No one has come up with anything better since. It is deadlier than a wussy 9mm, yet not as hand-punishing and aim-destroying as a .44 magnum. And it carries just the number of rounds you're likely to need in a real gunfight in which you are applying proper principles. It has redundant safety mechanisms, yet they are quick to release for action. It's just right. This picture is of the officer's model, which carries one less round than a standard .45, but fits in a Speedo.
Anyway, I can appreciate a thing that is perfectly designed. And this is it. The Colt .45 was designed in 1911. No one has come up with anything better since. It is deadlier than a wussy 9mm, yet not as hand-punishing and aim-destroying as a .44 magnum. And it carries just the number of rounds you're likely to need in a real gunfight in which you are applying proper principles. It has redundant safety mechanisms, yet they are quick to release for action. It's just right. This picture is of the officer's model, which carries one less round than a standard .45, but fits in a Speedo.
#12: Oooo, I'm Steamed!

My wife and I got one of these for our wedding. The Black & Decker steamer. We used it to death. It makes the BEST steamed rice EVER. All other rice cookers, steamers, and other contraptions simply SUCK beside this. How do I really feel? Well, again, simplicity wins. Nothing digital here. Just a twist dial ticky-tick timer and very simple prep instructions easily committed to memory. It's got some compartment thingies and drip tray stuff, but all that just resides in a dark, deep corner under our kitchen sink. We just use it for rice. Arizona water has a ton of calcium in it and was hell on our beloved steamer. It eventually died after about 5 or 6 years. We tried several other options, but see above for how they worked. For some you had to add freakin' BUTTER to the rice. WTH? This one - water and rice only. The way God intended. So, finally I Amazoned up our old steamer, and lo and behold. I mean lo! And behold! It's still made. And even better in one way - they changed the type of plastic the rice bowl is made of, making it easier to clean. The rice starches come right off of it now. Get this exact shape and appearance and you'll be happy even while you're steamed.
#13: Me Mind On Fire/Me Soul On Fire/Feelin' Hot, Hot, Hot!

At my house, November 7 is St. Paul's Day. Paul is the plumber who, during our house renovation, converted our boiler to cold-start and installed this ONE HUNDRED GALLON hot water holding tank. Before this, every morning I'd take a thermal roller-coaster shower. As the temperature plunged, my teeth would chatter and the gooseflesh on my body would rub my hands raw without a washcloth. I'd pray and pray for the flicker of the lights that signified the boiler had finally acknowledged my plight and kicked on. Then, slowly, I'd begin to discern a faint warmth. Sometimes I feared it was just delusion and hypothermia, but no, eventually the temperature would climb into a range of comfortable that would last 3 minutes. 1 minute of which was perfect. Then it would slowly get hot, and hotter, and crap! Soon I'd be standing sideways against the wall letting the streams of steam pass me by. Reaching carefully, I'd bump the knob to mix more cold with the hot water I'd been dreaming of just a moment before. But the boiler, having arced up to dangerous heat and pressure levels would then kick off, and the plunge back to arctic conditions would begin again. Every morning this torment would repeat, and I cursed more in my morning shower than most football coaches do while losing a national championship. I made an art out of bumping the knob this way and that to moderate the fluctuations.
Well, on November 7, 2009, St. Paul blessed me with the best shower I'd had in eight years. It was warm. The temperature stayed exactly where I set it. And it stayed hot until I was clean and...well...even bored. It was a miracle indeed. Now, two people can take showers at my house at the same time and not run out of hot water. Even in the dead of Maine winter, when it's a miracle the cold water from the street doesn't freeze right in the pipes. The tank is so well insulated, that it only loses about 1 degree of heat per day if unused. That 1 degree seems, in the cats' opinion, to make it the perfect thing to sleep atop. And I've never regretted spending the extra $80 or so that made the difference between a 60 gallon and a 100 gallon. The extra 40 gallons is worth it. (and if you're looking at this and you're one of those damned copper thieves, see #11, above, and mind your Ps and Qs)
Well, on November 7, 2009, St. Paul blessed me with the best shower I'd had in eight years. It was warm. The temperature stayed exactly where I set it. And it stayed hot until I was clean and...well...even bored. It was a miracle indeed. Now, two people can take showers at my house at the same time and not run out of hot water. Even in the dead of Maine winter, when it's a miracle the cold water from the street doesn't freeze right in the pipes. The tank is so well insulated, that it only loses about 1 degree of heat per day if unused. That 1 degree seems, in the cats' opinion, to make it the perfect thing to sleep atop. And I've never regretted spending the extra $80 or so that made the difference between a 60 gallon and a 100 gallon. The extra 40 gallons is worth it. (and if you're looking at this and you're one of those damned copper thieves, see #11, above, and mind your Ps and Qs)
#14: Go With The Flo
Baaaahhhhhhmmmmmm. Baaaaahhhhhhhhhmmmmm. Baaaaaaaahhhhhhhmmmm. Baahmm-baaaaaaaaahhhhmmmmm. Thoom-thoom Thoom-thoom Thoom-thoom.... That's Richard Strauss' Also Sprach Zarathustra. You recognized it, right? Well, the best thing on Earth to listen to it on are Sony MDR-7506 headphones. These things have sound that inspires my feelings about music covered on The Daily Consternation. Bose, Sennheiser, Dr. Dre Beats, blah, blah, blah. I can't hear you. I've got my freakin' unbelievable Sonys on. And look, so does Florence Welch.
The bass response on these begins down at 10Hz. That's below the supposed range of human hearing. It's like the rumble of a subway train in the back of your head and 20 stories underground - or maybe the hooves of the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse approaching from over the horizon at night. The magnets in these are so powerful they have healing powers like those crazy magnetic therapy bracelets. I'm pretty sure there are about 10 brain tumors I've avoided due to these.
With these headphones, the Allegretto from Beethoven's Symphony No. 7 is like ascending to Heaven. It makes you stand up and conduct. With these headphones, you can feel Natasha Bedingfield's breath in your ear as she sings. The Plutonian rumble of Adam Clayton's bass ripples your spinal fluid. The children, the TV, the air conditioner are all blotted out. Unfortunately, so are the wife who needs you to run to help her not drop something, the bleeding child who needs a bandage, and the burglars jimmying the back door so they can steal the copper pipes hooked to #13, above. So, alas, I don't listen with them as often as would be my wont. But when I do, it's bliss.
For 98 lousy dollars at Amazon, your ENTIRE music collection can be new all over again - and BETTER than before. Including Florence + The Machine. Flo's a beautiful singer. But she looks even better with these headphones on, and sounds even better on these headphones.
The bass response on these begins down at 10Hz. That's below the supposed range of human hearing. It's like the rumble of a subway train in the back of your head and 20 stories underground - or maybe the hooves of the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse approaching from over the horizon at night. The magnets in these are so powerful they have healing powers like those crazy magnetic therapy bracelets. I'm pretty sure there are about 10 brain tumors I've avoided due to these.
With these headphones, the Allegretto from Beethoven's Symphony No. 7 is like ascending to Heaven. It makes you stand up and conduct. With these headphones, you can feel Natasha Bedingfield's breath in your ear as she sings. The Plutonian rumble of Adam Clayton's bass ripples your spinal fluid. The children, the TV, the air conditioner are all blotted out. Unfortunately, so are the wife who needs you to run to help her not drop something, the bleeding child who needs a bandage, and the burglars jimmying the back door so they can steal the copper pipes hooked to #13, above. So, alas, I don't listen with them as often as would be my wont. But when I do, it's bliss.
For 98 lousy dollars at Amazon, your ENTIRE music collection can be new all over again - and BETTER than before. Including Florence + The Machine. Flo's a beautiful singer. But she looks even better with these headphones on, and sounds even better on these headphones.